People who run the Grammys call the annual awards show music's biggest night. This self-aggrandizing attitude coming from the inside perfectly supports all the best criticisms of the commercial splendor that is the Grammys in 2012; it's simply a masturbatory exercise in an industry patting itself on the back for exploitation and interest. But for whatever reason--as we all agree it's a critically and sometimes artistically meaningless event--we're all sitting in the nets, making sure our views are known. Here are my predictions for the 2012 Grammy Awards.

Bon Iver Won't Win A Thing Wisconsin folk-rock dynamo Justin Venron, aka Bon Iver, wrote off the Record of the Year nomination for the laconic Holocene on principle. Which is fine because there is no way the guy would have won anyway. Did the Recording Academy really consider the once unrequited woody laments, now adult-contemporary wanderings of Vernon to achieve some high level of commercial success? The Arcade Fire's sweep last year marked the true assimilation of the blog culture into the mainstream. Now, it's only a nod of recognition from the Academy, an attempt to stay relevant in an ever-shrinking musical dialogue, to play favorites to institutions like Pitchfork. Riding off the Grammy nod from the academy, Bon Iver appeared on Saturday Night Live last week. And sure, while the band was close to immaculate, let's not forget: this cheesy astroturf reconnoitering of his incredible songwriting goes down with less taste than Smart Water. I just don't believe a guy with such a delicate falsetto can get so mad about anything, let alone a Grammy nod.

Dubstep Wins Big In 2012, the Recording Academy doesn't even try and deny they play only to the market. In that sense, we should just let the Grammys into our hearts, and read into these nominations for exactly what they are: recognition of profit. Some whiny commenter let me know how stupid I was the other day for not trying to lump in Dubstep to my already convoluted synthesis of black metal and LDR. So here I am, acknowledging the market presence of electronic artists that have the capability of selling out places like The Roseland Ballroom while also having almost no overhead in terms of production cost. $krillex and Deadmau5 might actually have a chance in one of the categories they are both nominated for--and no one present at the awards will know what the hell they are looking at when either a man in a giant foam mouse mask or a goth-synth wunderkind take the stage to accept their awards.

Susan Boyle Falls Asleep Token old person joke.

Blue Ivy Carter Wins Everything The first photos of Jay-Z and Beyonce's bundle of joy, Blue Ivy Carter, emerged on Jay's Tumblr Friday. The family posted a note asking the public to respect their privacy, along with a smattering of images giving a first peek at the newborn. I'm not saying the first child of hip-hop will actually win a Grammy herself; I'm saying if we can expect Jay to pull as much inspiration from his daughter on the reg as he showed on the gripping Glory (Ft. Blue Ivy Carter) then perhaps we're in store for yet another renaissance of HOV and a series of Grammy wins to add to his stack.

Adele Never Gets Over Whomever She's Lamenting Rolling in the deep is arguably one of the most heart-wrenching ballads of regret ever laid to tape. In all likelihood, the song could sweep all of the bajillion categories it and its counterpart Someone Like You are nominated under. But if I'm to believe the sheer transcendence of either track, I'm going to go ahead and say: Adele, it might be time for some relationship counseling. These poor, troubled kids, amirite?

The Decemberists Find Out They Are a Rock Band The Recording Academy will hear from a smattering of musicians Sunday when groups of protesters swarm the Staples Center to protest categorical cuts to Grammy nominations. While there's an ethnic issue at hand here, no one seems to want to make mention of how, with an ever-narrowing field, artists will be nominated for categories they have no business being nominated in. The Decemberists are a prime example. The Portland, Ore. literary chamber poppers were nominated for best rock performance which is totally ludicrous. the Decemberists are rock 'n' roll like barf is rock 'n' roll: at the bottom of the scheme and only interesting for a flash.

Carson Daily Somehow Manages to Ruin Everything What else needs to be said? He destroyed music videos, he broke MTV, he's trying to erase Late Night as a format--he'll figure out a way to fudge this whole scene up.

Grammy award Beyonce