How To Date In The Digital Age, According To The Internet

Hello navel-gazing millennial! As your news feed is getting all waxed and primped for its parade of Valentine’s Day dissent posts, we thought we’d help out by lining your mental coffers with some insights about dating in this modern age. As with most things, the Internet’s cup on the subject truly overfloweth, as every living person on the planet apparently has pitched in his/her contributions.

Is dating nowadays hard? Depends who you ask -- think pieces come in all colors and sizes. For some, it’s a delirious, “fraught experience,” full of barbarous mixed signals -- “traumatic,” even. Others find it tragically casual, with smartphone-enabled dating sapping relations of romance. “Old love” (which is apparently just like loving an old coat?) becomes obsolete.

Rolling Stone tends to agree: Young people today are “radically revolutionizing” relationships, bravely “navigating a wide-open sexual terrain that no previous generation has encountered.”

That’s all fine and good, says Time Magazine, but au contraire, as “parents had just as much sex in college as their kids are having now.” And so did their grandparents, apparently.

But what’s the end goal here, according to the Internet? The New York Times thinks it’s just to “hang out,” the Atlantic says its just to “hook up,” and as mentioned, Rolling Stone is really pushing this polyamory stuff. No way, the Huffington Post says, everyone actually just wants relationships. You’re all wrong, says the NYT, in 2015 everyone is only doing it via text message, so there.

Then again, interjects Slate, maybe it’s all in your head.

The Internet would like you to know that there is still an app for dating, love, or whatever it is we are calling it in 2015. Is Tinder dead? Don’t worry, there’s Tinder Plus. No good? there’s Hinge. Too working class? Join the League (or try).

If you're having trouble on any of these platforms, there are plenty of helpful explanations to be found. Maybe you’re too aggressive (for a girl). Or your profile pictures aren’t good enough. Maybe you’re actually too good looking! Or just too hateful.

Buzzfeed would like you to know that dating online is totally crazy.

Also, there’s this fascinating new thing called dating app art. There’s a lot of it. All over the place. Anyone can do it.

Reading this much about love in the digital age might have you wondering, what’s a lesbian again? The Internet doesn’t have a whole lot to say about them, but folks want to change that. With an app.

Keep in mind, the more you update your statuses the more in love you will become, according to the Huffington Post, according to science.

But wait, did you not realize you were actually dating Netflix? The Internet is very concerned you might be, and is ready and willing to list the warning signs for you.

It’s important to remember that the only way to explain things on the Internet in 2015 is by comparing them to other things. This app is like Grindr for stocks. This one is like Uber for pizza. Check out Tinder for travel. Sounds exciting.

In conclusion, the most important thing to remember is that Clickhole thinks that you will die, and they might not find your body.

Happy hunting!