Bank of America Layoffs: Top 10 Things Brian Moynihan Should Have Said

Bank of America, still burdened by huge amounts of distressed mortgage-related assets on its books, just announced that it would lay off 35,000 workers, and may shed thousands more before the end of the year.

Here are the Top 10 things the bank’s chief executive, Brian T. Moynihan, should have said about the massive job cuts:

10. “Look, when you really get down to it, all you need to run a bank is a coupla tellers, someone to guard the vault and some old guy in front who greets the customers.”

9. “Hey, compared to what HSBC is doing, we’re ADDING workers!”

8. “Damn, we musta been drunk outta our skulls when we bought Countrywide Financial!”

7. “We checked, and every one of them 35,000 folks were stealing pens, staplers and paper clips from the company.”

6. “Merrill Lynch? Did we buy THEM, too?”

5. “Man, if it wasn’t for my multi-million dollar salary, excessive perks and luxurious lifestyle, I’d quit this blasted, thankless job!”

4. “The people who lose their jobs here will find new work easily. Hey, I hear Wal-Mart’s hiring!”

3. "I had to go on Wikipedia to find out what ‘subprime mortgage’ even meant!”

2. “This whole bank thing is a farce anyway, The Chinese already own us.”

1. “Hmm, I better spruce up my resume … JUST IN CASE.”