Barack Obama: Top Ten Things The President Told Graduating Students At Barnard College Commencement (SATIRE)

10. “Just think, in the half-an-hour I've spoken to you, your average student loan debt has climbed by $1,200!”

9. “As long as we got millions of Starbucks in this country, you kids will always have a job!”

8. “Joe Biden's been talking about same-sex marriage a little too much, if you get my drift.”

7. “Hillary who?”

6. “You know, I'm really gettin' a little sick of them 2 a.m. phone calls from Oprah!”

5. “Me: 1%; Y'all: 99%.”

4. If I'm re-elected, I vow to appoint George Clooney as the White House's “official Hollywood shill and lapdog!”

3. “Sorry, I really can't give you kids any career advice, since I never worked at a real job in my life either.”

2. “Y'all just know that Sanchez has gotta hate Tebow's guts! Am I right, people??”

1. “I urge all of you to vote for Mitt Romney!!”