Chrissy Teigen Opens Up About Her ‘Sad Existence’ And Not 'Managing' Her Pills

While Chrissy Teigen is known for her sarcastic sense of humor, she isn’t always as happy as she seems.

The former swimsuit model and mom of two opened up about her mental health struggles during an interview with British Glamour Magazine that was published on Thursday. Teigen, who is the wife of singer John Legend, said recently things as small as taking her medicine have been difficult.

“The last month has been really tough. I’ll tell John, ‘Deep down, I know I am happy.’ But I think anyone with anxiety knows it’s physically painful to think about doing things. Sometimes reaching for your medication is like picking up a 60kg dumbbell that I don’t feel like picking up and I don’t know why,” she explained.

“But I also know I haven’t been good to myself. I wasn’t managing my pills. I was just taking them when I remembered. My chemistry got thrown off. So I’m building myself back up. There are times I go to bed at 6:30 p.m. and wake up at 6 a.m. and lie in bed just thinking – it’s like you can’t get enough sleep.”

However, issues surrounding mental health aren’t anything new for the TV personality.

“I was an anxious, nervous kid. That transferred into being anxious in high school and then right after when I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life,” she recalled. “I started seeing therapists, but I stopped because I thought it was ‘normal twentysomething anxiety.'”

After experiencing postpartum depression following the birth of her and Legend’s daughter Luna in 2016, she decided to revisit the issue.

“It happened three months after giving birth to Luna,” Teigen explained. “It was a sad existence. There were no highs. It was a flatline of life for a few months. You hear these horrific stories of people not seeing their child as theirs, or wanting to hurt them, and I never felt that way. That’s why I put off getting it checked as I hated myself, not my child...John was there when the doctor gave the diagnosis and, of course, he already knew. I didn’t know it could sneak up so late or that it could happen to someone like me, where I have all the resources. I had nannies and my mom living with us.”

However, the experience taught her what to pay attention to after the birth of her and her husband’s second child, Miles, in April 2018. And while she has learned a lot about dealing with parental depression, some days are still a struggle.

Accompanied by an eye roll, Teigen said: “There will be days when I get in a group text with my friends and say, ‘Is anyone else finding it hard to take a shower lately?’ And they’re all like, ‘Take your pills, Chrissy!’”

Teigen's children not only helped her get serious about her mental health, but she also credits them with helping her stop “decades” of her picking at her flaws. Teigen said she has now made it a priority to love what she sees in the mirror.

“When I see my crazy, weird smile and my teeth being too big for my mouth, I see it as showing genuine emotion and happiness, so I don’t see it as a negative thing anymore,” Teigen said. “I used to weigh myself every morning, afternoon and night... I did that for eight years and had this one weight I wanted to be at. That changed with Luna, and really changed with Miles where it took me a year to be comfortable with my new normal number. I do look at [my body] in the shower and think, ‘Arghhh, these kids,' but I don’t take the aesthetics so seriously now.”

Overall, she blames her modeling career for a lot of the pressure she placed on herself and has felt a sense of relief since she stopped.

“It’s very fulfilling not having that pressure of putting on a swimsuit and looking good for a magazine while running around a beach, which I did when I was modeling,” Teigen added. “I don’t feel like my body is where I’m going to be [expletive] to myself, either. I’m already thinking enough things I am mad at myself about, I can’t add my body into it.”