‘Comedy Central Roast Of Rob Lowe’: The Most Ridiculous, Hilarious And Controversial Jokes From Jeff Ross, Pete Davidson, David Spade And More

Some of the biggest names in Hollywood and beyond gathered in Los Angeles for the “Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe.” While the jokes were supposed to be aimed at the “Grinder” star, political pundit Ann Coulter bore the brunt of many of the jabs.

The roast was hosted by comedian David Spade who was joined onstage by seasoned veteran Jeff Ross, Rob Riggle, Pete Davidson and more. The overwhelming majority of jokes geared toward Lowe poked fun at his status as an 80s heartthrob, his repeated appearances in sitcoms and his infamous sex tape. Others mocked Ross for being a regular on Comedy Central roasts, “Karate Kid” star Ralph Macchio for failure to extend his career into adulthood and, of course, Coulter for aligning with presidential hopeful Donald Trump. The 11-time author took the jokes in stride and eventually took the stage to fire off a few shots of her own — and plug her book, “In Trump We Trust,” several times.

Below are the best jokes made during “The Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe”:

Roast Master David Spade:

• “That’s right: we’re here to honor one of the biggest stars of 1987, with some of the biggest stars of 1984”
• “For years Rob Lowe had a sex addiction. He cured it be getting less famous.”
• “It’s not easy being Rob. He said being so handsome made it difficult for him to find meaningful roles. I wanted to ask Brad Pitt about that, but he was too busy acting in meaningful roles.”
• “She [Ann Coulter] seems stiff and conservative, but she gets wild in the sheets. Just ask the clan.”

Pete Davidson:

• “Ann Coulter, if you’re here who’s scaring the crows away from our crops?”
• “Last years we had Martha Stewart who sells sheets, and now we have Ann Coulter who cuts eye holes in them.”

Jewel:

• “As a feminist, I can’t support everything that’s being said up here tonight. But as somebody who hates Ann Coulter, I’m delighted.”
• “You all know his [David Spade’s] assistant tried to kill him. I guess the stress of answering the phone twice finally got to him.”
• “David Spade has slept with some of the most beautiful women in Hollywood. Proving just how ugly show business makes women feel.”
• “Who doesn’t love Ralph Macchio? Bill collectors. And actual karate masters. And real actors. Italians. You know: people.”
• “Peyton Manning is here because Eli [Manning] is still out there making his dad proud.”
• “Jeff Ross is going to party like it’s 1999. Ann Coulter is going to vote like it’s 1899.”
• “Ann you do look great though, you’re almost as thin as Donald Trump’s chance at winning the election.”
• “She [Ann Coulter] ordered something to go. The entire kitchen staff. She was like leave...the county.”

Jimmy Carr:

• “One of the most repugnant, hateful hatchet b----es alive, but it’s not too late to change, Ann — you could kill yourself.”
• “Ralph Macchio was at the very top of the list, and that list was marked: Worst case scenario.”
• “My friends back home aren’t going to believe it when I tell them that they let me roast Charlie Sheen’s brother’s best friend.”

Peyton Manning:

• “I’m not the only athlete up here tonight. As you all know earlier this year, Ann Coulter won the Kentucky Derby. Congrats on that Ann. Great job.”
• “I know you guys use different words [in England]. Here in America, Jimmy Carr means: we couldn’t get Russell Brand.”
• “The only thing you’ve [Rob Lowe] been consistently on is Twitter, which is surprising because you’ve never been able to master one character, let alone 140.”
• “You [Rob Lowe] tried to take the air out of my retirement so fast, you could probably get a job as Tom Brady’s ball boy.”

Rob Riggle:

• “The only thing shorter than David Spade is Jewel’s greatest hits album”
• “Holy s---, is that Ann Coulter? Ann Coulter is here, which can only mean one thing: someone must’ve said her name three times.”
• “Rob, in both your sex tapes you appeared with two other people — good God, you can’t even carry a sex tape.”
• “Rob, you’re a good friend and a good man and I can’t wait to see what failed pilot we’re going to do next year.”

Nikki Glaser:

• “Jewel is here. Or as I call her: Trailer Swift.”
• “Your [Jewel's] teeth are like the Spice Girls. They’re all different colors and doing their own thing.”
• “You’re [Peyton Manning] like the Tom Brady of being in commercials. Like, the greatest.”
• “Ann Coulter has written 11 books. Twelve if you count ‘Mein Kampf.’”
• “God I had such a crush on you [Rob Lowe] when I was a little girl. If only I had known that’s when I had my best shot.”

Ann Coulter:

• “I want to welcome you all to the Ann Coulter roast with Rob Lowe.”

Jeff Ross:

• “You [Rob Lowe] look like John Stamos’ sister.”
• “I just got Peyton Manning’s new book. It’s called: ‘Football Good, Fire Bad.’”
• “Ann what happened? You wrote 11 books but you couldn’t write a single f---ing joke?”
• “How do I roast somebody [Ann Coulter] from hell?”

Rob Lowe:

• “‘SNL’ just release David Spade’s best sketches. It’s called ‘The Best of Chris Farley.’”
• “Jewel has performed for the Pope. In fact, it’s the reason the Pope always insists on being in a sound-proof glass box.”
• “It’s 56 days to Halloween. But I see that Ann Coulter is already in her skeleton costume.”

“A lot of people have asked why Ann Coulter is here. Because the right-to-lifers wanted everyone to see what an abortion looks like up close.”

“Ann, after your set tonight we’ve all witnessed the first bombing that you can’t blame on a Muslim.”

“Ralph Macchio. My old buddy. I never told you how amazing you were in that movie in the scene when you’re beaten up in the park. Sadly that happened again last week. That’s what happens when you sleep in the park.”

“I want to thank everybody for trying to get under my flawless skin.”

“[Getting roasted] by this cast of mutants — I’m sorry, Ann, racist mutants — it hit me, I didn’t hit rock bottom 26 years ago. I hit rock bottom an hour and a half ago. How the f--- did I end up here? I think it’s because I stopped drinking. Well, that ends tonight. Because it’s never too late to start making good choices. And by the way, if anybody’s got blow, I’ll meet you in the bathroom. I’m lookin’ at you Peyton Manning.”