Shawn Johnson East Opens Up About Miscarriage, Reveals Why She Blamed Herself

Shawn Johnson East has revealed the thoughts that ran through her mind when she found out about her miscarriage four years ago, sharing that she felt responsible because of her past eating disorders and her abuse of Adderall and diet pills.

The 29-year-old former Olympic gymnast suffered a miscarriage in 2017, two years before she and her husband Andrew East welcomed their daughter, Drew Hazel, who turns 2 this month. In July, she gave birth to their 3-month-old son Jett James.

Johnson East opened up about her miscarriage and the guilt she felt after the loss during an appearance on People's new podcast "Me Becoming Mom."

"I had struggled so long with eating disorders, I had taken excessive amounts of Adderall and I had taken weight loss pills," she revealed. "I had abused my body for so long that my worst fear going through all of that back then was am I going to do permanent damage to my body? And I didn't have a period for years and I had truly done harm."

While the doctor assured her after she miscarried that it was "nothing" that she did, Johnson East recalled thinking to herself at the time that she had somehow caused it and fearing that her body would never be able to carry a child.

"Oh my gosh, if I could go back to that doctor's office, I was trying so hard to keep it together but I was breaking inside because in my mind, just has a mom, you have all of these guilts and these fears," she continued. "I was like, is my body not made to have children? Did I abuse it so much that it can't carry a child? Is this God's way of telling me I'm not meant to be a mom?"

Johnson East and her husband announced the heartbreaking news on their YouTube channel back in October 2017. In the clip, she gave a disclaimer saying the video is "a little bit sensitive" and not the "happiest" one but said they decided to talk about the miscarriage because they felt that many couples could relate to the loss.

"The past 48 hours have been some of the happiest, scariest and saddest times of my life," she captioned the video. "My husband Andrew and I found out that we were unexpectedly pregnant, only to find out hours later some tragic news. I have been crying more than I ever have, but am still optimistic for what is next."

According to the former athlete, she had unexpected bleeding, and they drove to the doctor's office where they found out that she had miscarried.

Johnson East, who won one gold and three silver medals when she competed in the 2008 Olympics, described the day as a "roller coaster" experience in the video.

"Me Becoming Mom" is a 12-episode weekly podcast where celebrity moms share their journey to motherhood. Upcoming guests include Alyssa Milano, Padma Lakshmi and Tamron Hall, among others.