YouTube’s Shay Carl Reveals Suicidal Thoughts, Talks Forgiveness After Scandal

Shay Carl Butler has spoken. After slowly returning to social media, the YouTuber, who announced his leave from the internet in February due to personal issues, posted about his struggles to Twitter on Tuesday night and revealed he has forgiven himself.

In a series of tweets, the Shaytards star said he dealt with severe personal struggles over the past nine months but that he is now sober. “Been sober for 4 months and 3 days now,” he first tweeted. “It gets easier every day.”

Shay went on to post that his five children, whom he shares with his wife and fellow YouTuber Colette Butler, have noticed a change in him. “My kids say my eyes look ‘clear’ again,” he wrote. “Deciding to forgive myself tonight.”

While Shay may be in good place after revealing in February that he was battling with alcoholism, he said his time away from the web wasn’t easy.

“For the last 9 months I’ve become well-acquainted with regret, gloom, shame, remorse, hate, rage, fear and DEPRESSION! They haunt my moments,” he wrote.

As previously reported, Shay’s announcement that he would be leaving the web for an indefinite period of time came at the same time it was revealed that he had been having an online romance with cam girl Aria Nina.

After Aria, who has continued to talk about Shay and even teased a vlogging career of her own since the scandal, released alleged transcripts of their sexual messages, YouTuber Keemstar reported that Shay confirmed they were authentic.

“I made the worst mistake of my life and everyone saw it. It’s been the very first time I commiserated with those that suffer suicide,” Shay continued to tweet on Tuesday. “Even stood on a ledge with a handful of drapes in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. I flee from that moment constantly ... These things may crush me. Can’t hide anymore. Can’t continue to fill this shame bucket anymore. Can’t wait for forgiveness anymore.”

While it’s unclear when and if YouTube’s Shaytards will ever make a comeback, Shay has been posting short videos of his family to his Instagram account lately, and if Wednesday’s tweet is any indication, it’s clear he is in a better place.